Monday, February 10, 2014

On the Awfulness of Sandwiches

First off, let me qualify my incendiary title. I love sandwiches. I eat them all the time. In fact, I just ate two of them: the first a classic PB&J, the second a ham and provolone with lettuce. But it doesn't matter how great a sandwich is, I stand by my claim that sandwiches, on the whole, are the worst. Allow me to explain.

Sandwiches are one of the absolutely most dissatisfying foods in existence. No matter how many I eat, no matter how delicious or expensive it is, I never finish a sandwich without feeling like I could go for one more. Never. I'm fairly certain I've never eaten a sandwich and thought to myself, "That was immensely satisfying. Now I can continue on about my business unmolested by hunger." No. Instead I usually think, "Good heavens I do wish I had another." And before you ask, yes my self-talk consists mostly of me sounding like a turn-of-the-century robber baron industrialist. Naturally this version of myself has a strong mustache, a monocle and on special occasions a top hat and tails. Aye, Rockefeller that's me. (If you can name the movie that last sentence comes from you win a prize...but not a real prize. I mean, come on, did you really think you'd get a real prize? It's not like I'm not made of prizes here.)

This all makes me wonder who thought it was a good idea to establish the sandwich as the go-to lunchtime staple? Did that guy sit down one day and say, "Okay, what can I eat for my noonday meal that will be good, but leave me wanting more to the point that upon finishing eating, my afternoon will be that much bleaker due to my complete discontent? Why a sandwich of course." And then somehow, unconscionably, it caught on to the detriment of all.

Now before you jump all over me saying, "Well Sam, why don't you just pack your lunch with other things like fruit and yogurt and chips and cookies?", allow me to say that I do. But the whole point of the sandwich is to provide the substance of the meal that fills you up. The rest is just garnish. It just stand to reason that of all lunchtime foods, it's the sandwich that should be doing the heavy lifting, not the yogurt and plum. You might counter my complaint saying, "But what about Subway?! Footlongs, Sam, footlongs!!" To which I'd be forced to respond, "Please, I've probably eaten more Subway footlongs than you've ever dreamed existed. I know footlongs. And no, they don't sate my hunger completely either." So while I appreciate your input and advice, my complaint about sandwiches stands.

I've yet to meet the sandwich that actually satisfies. It just never does. And ultimately, most lunchtimes I am left feeling a sad kinship to my sandwich container:

Here we sit, disappointingly empty, covered with crumbs, staring idly at the lunchbox wishing for another sandwich.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post. Also Waking Ned Devine. But actually I've never seen it. Good thing Google has.