Monday, May 2, 2011

Best Cover Letter Ever

I graduated about a week and a half ago and am looking for a job. In my many applications and resume submissions I've written quite a few cover letters now and am getting fairly adept at it. Today I wrote one that I'm particularly proud of. Here it is:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm writing to inquire about the recently posted Part-time Writer job that I found advertised on Craigslist this morning. My name is Samuel James Dunn, but my friends call me Sam, Sammy, and Esquire. I'm a recent graduate of the Brigham Young University English program. (I flirted with the idea of calling it the "highly regarded Brigham Young University English program" but, let's face it, it isn't that highly regarded) As I'm sure a large number of the other applicants who you will hear from will probably boast a similar accomplishment, here follows a list of my qualifications that make me uniquely suited for this job:

1) I'm daring and courageous. Naturally you'll want me to prove this. First of all, I am a man. I don't want this to come across as sexist by any means. In fact, some of the bravest people I know are women and I don't believe that being a man means that courage comes written in your genetic code. Being a man is a significant marker of courage for me because I chose English as a major in college. We all know that being an English major means that you're hopelessly consigned to working in food services for the rest of your life, all the while pinching pennies and barely scraping by. I knew that going into the program, and I did it anyway. I was so confident in my writing and analytical skills that I was sure that I could somehow make a go of it. Though I had no assurance whatsoever of success, I forged on ahead. Bravery.

2) How many of your applicants can say that they've started their own newspaper with a readership of over 10,000 people daily? I'd venture to say that not many can. In fact, I can't. I can, however, say that I have started my own newsletter for people in my local church congregation (i.e. ward), that I personally distribute at my own cost, to over 50 people on a sometimes bi-monthly basis. You might ask, what is treated in the newsletter? Ward gossip of course. Gossip completely of my own creation that has little, if any, basis in fact. The newsletter is called the SUNDAY SLANDeR. You might have heard of it, though it would surprise me if you had.

3) I recently won the "The Glory of God is Intelligence" award in a family poetry contest. How many of your other applicants participate in poetry contests, let alone win awards? There's no way to tell really, but now you know that I do.

4) I think outside the box. When I was in high school two of my friends and I took 3rd place at the Utah State Science Fair with our project that was an anti-gravity craft powered by 50,000 volts streaming from a power source of our own creation. When asked by friends, family and science fair judges what purpose the craft had, I would respond that it was the future of space travel. Looking back it seems foolish that I would even think, let alone say such absurdities, but at the time I believed it. This may seem irrelevant, but I feel like it shows that I dream big. I aimed for the stars and ended up in third place, leaving the box far behind.

4.2) Sometimes I think inside the box as well. A couple weeks ago I was walking down the street and there was a big refrigerator box on the sidewalk that someone had thrown out. I climbed inside the box and started to think. I can now say that thinking inside the box can be a very rewarding experience. So you see, I am capable of thinking in and outside the box. Both. And I have experience doing it.

5) I'm tall. I currently stand a stately six feet two inches, thank you very much. While 6'2" is hardly giant stature, and is, in fact, a fairly common height, few 6'2"ers play as mean a game of speed scrabble as I do. Or regular scrabble for that matter, I'm equally adept at both. Also crossword puzzles.

6) My dad, now a librarian, used to work at the Utah State Penitentiary. As such, I've been to the prison. To visit of course, but I feel like my familiarity with the State Prison gives me street cred that your other applicants will surely lack. (Just to clarify, I've never been to prison in the sense that I was arrested, convicted, and served a sentence. My record is clean. 100%.)

I could continue in this vein, but I think my point has been made. I would be perfect for this job. As such I anxiously look forward to setting up a time when we might meet in person in an interview to further discuss the boon that I would clearly be to your company as a writer.

Thank you for your consideration.

-Samuel James Dunn

Yes, I really sent that. I figured the normal boring stuff wasn't working, so why not. Now I guess we'll just wait and see if Property Solutions International, Inc. has a sense of humor.


  1. Ha ha, you're my hero. Also, I love the Sunday Slander.

  2. Clearly, you would be a boon to Property Solutions International, Inc. They'd be fools not to hire you. Or at least invite you for an interview/game of speed Scrabble.

  3. This might be the worst place to profess my prolific affection for a one, Samuel James Dunn, Esquire. But, after reading this, I feel it is absolutely appropriate. So, I just did. Bam.

  4. Stunned. Completely at a loss for words. . . but if that doesn't get you a look, nothing will.

  5. Graham and I about died laughing reading this last night. :) What kind of writing do they do at that company?

  6. Sam, Thanks for sending in your resume and this cover letter. Yes, employers will Google you; much to the chagrin of some. Would you be available for an interview Wednesday at either 9:00 or 2:00? - I look forward to meeting you!
    Nathan Judd

  7. SAMUEL JAMES DUNN ESQUIRE. 1. you are very brave--going to taco night week after week. 2. why have I never been able to read said paper? get me one! 3. I also won a poetry contest! oh wait, that was a freshman in HS contest... you need to give me a reading of said poem before I leave. 4. been to enough story times to figure that one out. 5. Everyone I know who thinks in the box climbs in refrigerators on the road. needless to say, I'd hire you on the spot.